Oh no, real talk.
But I need to get this off my chest.

I'm not embarrassed that I'm a survivor of an eating disorder.
I'm not embarrassed that I'm still in recovery of said eating disorder.
I'm not embarrassed that my mom and my aunt have had their struggles.

I'm proud of these things.
Because we're all overcoming our obstacles.

But it's hard.
Let me clarify a common misconception.
Bulimia doesn't always mean eating food and throwing up.
I hate that.
When people find out I'm bulimic and say "Omg, how did you throw up?"
I'm terrified of throwing up.
For the record.
Bulimia has a few heads.
It's characterized by binge eating and purging.
Purging can be throwing up - yes.

But it also can be excessive exercising, taking diet pills and laxatives, etc.
That was me.
Excessive meaning I went to school, came home, and exercised until 11pm.
I had a kickass body.
But I have awful bones now.

It's been about three years since my bulimia was at its peak.
But it's only been about six months or so since my last diet pill.
I'm better. It was hard.
Freshman fifteen?
I lost fifteen pounds my first two months at uni.
Then it came back because I had way too much protein,
and crappy food without exercise.
I'm better from that but I'm still trying hard to get my body to a good place.

I think I relapsed.
I don't know.
I binged a bit.
I honestly couldn't have consumed more than 2000 calories.
But I'm not used to eating so much anymore, so my stomach hurts.
I exercised but only for twenty minutes.
I had planned on it anyway, so I don't consider it a purge.
But maybe I relapsed with the binge eating?
Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow will be a stressful day.
I needed to get this off my chest.
I don't know if I relapsed.
But I definitely took a step backwards.
Now time to take two forward.

7 thoughts on “Bulimia.

  1. My heart goes out to you...I think the thing about eating disorders is that its something that stays with you always. While you may not act upon the thoughts, they still peak their ugly heads, and it can be the hardest thing in the world to ignore them. I think sharing this is such a brave thing (and something I could never do!) and hopefully in being so open about it, it can discourage you from slipping back into old ways. I hope this made sense, if you'd like to chat more in private, feel free to e-mail. Prayers to you!!

  2. Glad you are not ashamed! We all have our "demons" and these things we overcome just make us so much stronger! Don't get down on yourself because of today. Just keep trying! Good luck with everything!

  3. I am so unbelievably proud of you for every obstacle that you push out of your way, it takes a great amount of courage to be so open about things like this and I really admire that about you. Don't worry whether you relapsed or not because I know you, and you never let anything keep you down, keep up that positive attitude and like you said tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure you'll make the best of it =)love you lots and remember that I'm always here for you even when I'm a couple thousand miles away <3 <3 <3 <3

  4. Don't worry Elise, even if you did relapse, everything is going to be okay. You have so many people who care about you and will help you with whatever you need. Even though you don't really know me, I'm here for you if you ever need to talk about anything.
    Stay strong, my dear. You can do it!

  5. Thank you so much for posting about this! It could not have been easy for you to do. Every day is a new day, and sometimes we are bound to slip up. My husband is a recovering drug addict and every single day is a struggle for him. While he's never had a relapse, many of his friends have and it's hard to deal with. All you can do is pick yourself back up and try again the next day. I have faith that God will lead you through this and guide you back to the right path. I'll be praying for you <3

  6. Look at this encouragement :) I am proud of you for writing like this, it inspires me. You are my role model and accountability for many reasons, but especially for your honesty. I love you! God will keep you safe; cling to Him in everything you do. <3

  7. I am so so proud of you.. We just met, like last week, and already I love you. You are such an encouragement to me, and I love seeing your progress. So proud to be working with you. Your honesty is raw, rare, and refreshing.
    I love your blog, ever so much.. because your real. :)
    REALLY pretty that is.



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